Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Divorce

I have been doing some serious thinking about this particular issue recently, especially after I heard about some young couples who got divorced on - the same day of the wedding; another 45 days after the wedding; and another on eighth day after wedding. Ya I know it is certainly not shocking anymore.

It’s alarming about the way how life styles and values are changing and about this generation’s lack of concern for anything. Most seem to get married just for the heck of it and after looking at the outer appearance and stuff... Next thing you know is, “no I can’t adjust with him/her, so I’m getting separated.” That’s it??? So what happens to the vows taken, what about life and adjustments??? The worst part is if the couples have kids. They really don’t think how lost the child would be, the issues that children will go through, how destroyed they would feel and so on.
I had recently read an article about studies showing how high the divorce rates are in china and about the main reason for it. Well the reason there is that since there is a policy of having only one child and since China now is a booming economy, most couples are rich and they give their only child everything and bring him/her up in a much pampered way. The children of that generation do not know how to adjust, do not know the value of giving, and are known to be extremely selfish. Studies revealed that most young couples now marry only for social and monetary benefits and that as soon as they see better prospects they divorce and remarry. What a life!!!

The Romans had an interesting view towards marriage – ‘matrimonia debent esse libera’ or ‘marriages ought to be free’. This meant that either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren’t working out for them. Centuries later, Victorian England had a vastly different view. People got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and divorced people were likely to find themselves social pariahs. In the present century, both these views prevail and with globalization, the ‘backward’ countries are catching up. Women, especially, with access to higher education and higher salaries, are less willing to put up with traditional roles and expectations. There was a time in India when divorcees where looked down upon and they were kept away from functions and all that. But if we go to look that way now, the case might be that we won’t have enough people to invite for anything.

Ya sure - A divorce happens after a husband and wife decide they can't live together anymore and no longer want to be married. They agree to sign legal papers that make them each single again and allow them to marry other people if they want to. Although that may sound simple, I really don’t feel that it’s easy for a husband and wife to decide to end a marriage. Often they spend a long time trying to solve problems before deciding to divorce. But sometimes they just can't fix the problems and decide that a divorce is the best solution. Some marriages are worth fixing and some are not so I really can’t tell ya don’t get divorced.

Some of the most common cited reasons for divorce are: Lack of commitment to the marriage; Lack of communication between spouses ; Infidelity ; Abandonment ; Alcohol addiction ; Substance abuse ; Physical abuse ; Sexual abuse ; Emotional abuse ; Inability to manage or resolve conflict ; Personality differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’ ; Differences in personal and career goals ; Financial problems ; Different expectations about household tasks ; Different expectations about having or rearing children ; Interference from parents or in-laws ; Lack of maturity ; Intellectual Incompatibility ; Sexual Incompatibility ; Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth ; Falling out of love ; Religious conversion or religious beliefs ; Cultural and lifestyle differences ; Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies ; Mental Instability or Mental Illness ; Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime etc.

There are so many other reasons too like - Lack of communication (happens to b main reason). It is one is one of the leading causes of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. You can’t have an effective relationship if either one of you won’t discuss your feelings, can’t talk about your mutual or personal issues, will keep your resentments simmering under wraps, and expect your partner to guess what the whole problem is about. Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues.

I personally know that People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like – (don’t laugh!) – snoring; wife/hubby unwilling to cook/help out with household chores; watching TV too much; out with friends too long; doesn’t cook/behave like mom; in-laws advises of- “ don’t give in too much to him/her, keep your own stand”…..blah …blah..Blah…..phewwwww!!!!!!!

I really don’t know where the world is going to nowadays. Believe me, I’m getting freaked just at the thought of marriage just reading all this. Humm no one thinks that only when both sides cooperate will there be a successful marriage and that both people have to put in their full potential to make it a success. Ya we all are humans, we sure do have our good and bad moments and all that. But marriage is not a silly issue and I do agree to divorce in certain valid cases where it can’t be avoided. Only thing is that I can’t support silly reasons that come up for divorce. People have to try their level best to solve problems, talk out the issues and learn to love each other rather than oneself. I guess we should all learn to love our better halves before stepping into marriage and I can understand the reasons why most religions are making pre-marital courses compulsory now.

Well I hope the world will become a better place to live in rather than the other way round!!!

I just saw this photo on the net today in this site- http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisagilbert/2379179562/ with the heading: If you don't change direction, you may end up where you're heading. (Ya apt title na...)

15 comments:

Pointblank said...

And just when ur bout to tie the knot u write bout divorce! coincidence eh? hey.. but kel m yet to read this post k. will come back n do it!

--xh-- said...

a very detailed study indeed. it is a disturbing practise on one side, but on the otehr side, it is good that it gives women power to break free than enduring endless harships... twin edged sword, it is.

Enigma said...

@neets
hehe..well its and issue that is being dicussed and it kinda stayed on my mind wen i heard silly excuses for divourse...there is this pampered gilr who got married to a guy in US...she went there with him, and then started the fights..she wouldnt do anything at home...the hubby has to do all the workk it seems he only asked her to help along so that he can manage....no but she wouldnt..and her mom used to call and give advises like, no need to do anything, i dint marry u off to do work and blah blah....thus ended the marraige ....reason??gilr cant do any work..daughter not sent to work...phewww..how can u explain all this...
yup do read and let me know

Enigma said...

@xh
hehe well like i said this topic has been on my mind and its good to know that both sides dont have to suffer and stay on in a marraige...but i can support that fact only if thereasons r genuine....there r so many who get maaried and the divourse and remarry wen they c better opportunities..wat is it?business deal?? humm and stupid reasons like i mentioned above...
indeed a double edged sword

Keshi said...

ty for stopping by my blog Enigma.


**I guess we should all learn to love our better halves before stepping into marriage and I can understand the reasons why most religions are making pre-marital courses compulsory now.


Love n Marriage is not something u can learn like Science and Math. Neither is it something we can force upon ourselves. It has to come naturally. And sometimes ppl fall in love, get married and then fall out of love...none of us can prevent that from happening. Life and sometimes Love is not permanent.


Keshi.

Enigma said...

@keshi

its absolutely true that love cannot b learned etc....the theing is then dont go in for marraige till u r ready...y divourse a guy for a reason like - "he dint buy a car", he did not buy me a dress and foolish stuff like that...can u really tell me that is a valid reason....well i am ok if people fall out of love and cant live together anylonger or if there r serious issues...but selfishness is wat seems to be ruling lives now...after all marriage is all about adjustments..its 2 new people comming together, so nathurally there will be probs...but cant we all atleast wait to know thw person better b4 ending it...divorcing on 4th day after wedding, reason girl dint wanna cook, boy wont help blah blah balh.....humm that ll i am against...we all have to learn to adjust na...oterwise wat will be the life of the next generation?

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Roshan R said...

true.. divorce is now a lot more commoner than you can even imagine.. I guess we've lost the capacity to adjust as well as earlier generations.. the sanctity of it isnt the same as before..

Enigma said...

@roshan

yup we certainly do not have the capacity to adjust like our forefathers...yup marriges have lost its sanctity....too many couples cheating on each other and not bothered...

Vinni said...

there is so much intolerance these days! i am not married but i broke up with my gf because i smoke and drink too much. we can work on this, but no! man! god save this world.

Enigma said...

@vinni
ya true that there is so much of intolerence these days...well my guy also smokes and drinks, i hav told him to reduce,,,just keep trying...its upto him to stop or not...

The Pseudonym said...

Hey the fact is marriage has become irrelevant in todays society. There is so much stress in people's lives that it sure takes a toll on them. So why Marry then Divorce(Way too messy), I am calling for a new age solution. Just do what you want, be selfish and then call it a life well spent on yourself... Yeah among my close friends there has been a 50% Divorce rate.It is indeed shocking.

Enigma said...

@Pseudonym

ya true that life has become hectic and all that, but marraiges r still somethin sacred...ya i do think otherwise at times...but maybe thats wat gives stability to the society...atleast those who marry hav to c that things work out..otherwise dont go for it..

Shades of Grey said...

I don't think you need to worry about what will go wrong in your marriage Kelvy. Rather focus on what will go right, and accept the fact that you can't change men: they're gonna have to WANT to change. Your guy may never quit smoking or drinking - but you've decided to go all the way despite that. If you really want to be with someone, and you want to have their children, it's convenient for all parties concerned if marriage is involved. It's called "tying the knot" because there's no room for escape. Marriage is a trap - walk into it with your eyes wide open. Good luck!

I so wish I could take my own advice...

Enigma said...

@shades
heheh ok jane dear...well luckily guy has quit drinking the strong stuff,....thats a not anprob for me...but ya marraige is too much of an adjsutment and as the day comes near,, u will know how immense a step it is coz its just not 2 individuals invloved